Dunk Knows Best

Anyway, let me join, we could exchange tips and tricks.

Dunk knows best...

Well, St Patrick's Day is upon us again, and we all think we know about those good old cheerful and loveable people - the Irish. But how much do we actually really know about them and their country of origin? Well, here are a few things what you might not of knowed about.

1. Ireland was created a million years ago when a piece of Britain fell off and floated away towards America. After a few hundred miles, however, it stopped and stayed there. According to Irish folklore, though, Ireland was created when the mythical giant Fingal stopped off on his way to Canada and done a big shit in the Atlantic Ocean.

2. There are two types of Irish people - the Northern Irish and the proper Irish people what live in the Irish Republic. Two other kinds of people are the Protestants and the Catholics. The Protestants wear stupid sashes and bowler hats, go on marches, speak in loud voices and can often be seen walking into betting shops wearing balaclavas shooting people through the head. The Catholics like to have lots of children all called Mary and like to blow people up in Warrington on a Saturdxay afternoon.

3. Irish people have famous little people called "lepercorns"; these little people are invisible and can't be seen at all except by drunken Irishmen coming home after twenty pints of Guinness and half a litre of Jameson's.

4. Most people in Ireland have, at some time or other, been sexually abused by a member of the clergy. According to a report in 2008, as many as 34% had been interfered with during mass, 47% had been tossed off after choir practice, whilst 98.6% had got bummed off a priest.

5. Abortion (the killing of an unborn baby) is illegal in Ireland. Under the doctrine of their religion it is deemed as being cruel and evil.

6. Yet it doesn't stop them blowing each other up or shooting people through the head.

7. Irish people have long been regarded as stupid - hence the old Irish jokes still being churned out by the sad likes of Stan Boardman and Eddie fucking Large. Curiously, however, many Irish people are quite clever and have done lots of famous clever things.

8. When I think of one I'll let you know.

9. Some famous Irish people include: Lord Bob Geldof, Bono off U2, Dana, Gloria Hunniford's dead daughter, Eamonn bastard Holmes, Boyzone, Billy Connolly and, of course, Iain Dowie.

10. For many years Ireland has been split by something called "The Troubles". Even though "The Troubles" have split the Irish

people for generations, no cunt knows what it's all about. Not even the Irish. The Protestants say it's because the Catholics are a set of twats, whilst the Catholics say the Protestants smell of poo. In 1977, the Reverend Ian Paisley said of Sir Gerry Adams (leader of the IRA): "We don't like you because your mum smalls of wee." To which Adams replied: "Anyway, we didn't like you first. And...and...and You've got no willy."

11. Homosexuality, although rife in the North of Ireland, is still banned in the Republican south. This means that, every day, hundreds of Irish queers from Dublin to Cork and Galway to Tralee, head for the border so they can bum each other without getting done off the police.

12. Some famous dead Irish people are: druggy Thin Lizzy nigger frontman, Phil Lynott; gay gang-banging former Boyzone singer, Stephen Gately; poet and boring bastard WB Yeats; him off 'Father Ted'; unfunny raging manic depressive comedian, Spike Milligan and Mick Hucknall off Simply Red.

13. Mick Hucknall off Simply Red is, in fact, neither Irish nor dead; but we live in hope.

14. The cunt.

15. There's this thing what they've got in Ireland called the "Blarney Stone". It is said that when you touch the Blarney Stone you are blessed with the gift of the "Blarney", which is an Irish word for being able to talk a lot and be dead charming and witty and all the rest. DJ and wig-headed nonce Sir Terry Wogan is said to have touched the Blarney Stone. A priest I once knew at school told me the Blarney Stone was down his underpants.

15. Many people pretend to be Irish, especially around the time of March the 17th, St Patrick's Day. This is because they want to be thought of as being Irish, though no-one knows fucking why. Among the famous people who often pretend to be Irish to impress people are: singer and drunken Pogues frontman Shane McGowan, jet-ski head-butting singer Kirsty McColl, former snooker ace and corpse lookalike Sir Alex "Hurricane" Higgins, most Americans and the entire Republic of Ireland's football squads for the past thirty years.

16. When an Irish person wants to lose weight, they don't go on a diet; they go on something called a "hunger strike". A hunger strike consists of not eating or drinking anything for about six weeks, whilst sitting in a prison cell, wiping turds all over the walls and being beaten twice a day by armed guards. And I'll tell you what, it's better than fucking Weightwatchers!

17. There are no jukeboxes in Ireland. They've not been invented yet over there. So what they have to listen to is some bearded prick with an out-of-tune guitar, a twat with a tin whistle, some tone deaf cunt banging a fucking drum in the corner and a couple of old farts singing about sailing to America and other such bollocks.

18. One of Ireland's nicknames is "The Emerald Isle", a reference to its being green. Another nickname is "The Sod", a term which has nothing whatsoever to do honestly with sodomy and priests who like to bum little boys. Legendary Irish crooner Sir Tom Jones sang about Ireland in his famous hit record, "The Green Green Grass Of Home".

19. Long before the days of the Spice Girls and "girl power", Ireland had a girl band all ot its own. They were called the Nolan Sisters (later just The Nolans), and they were a right old bunch of fucking slags. Especially that Bernadette. The whore.

20. The Irish celebrate St Patrick's Day because that was when their patron saint, St Patrick, slew all the snakes in Ireland. And that's how come Ireland hasn't got no snakes no more. What he did was he fed them all blighted potatoes left over from the potato famine and they all got poisoned. Afterwards, St Patrick (real name Patrick Moore/Mower) was knighted by the Irish people and became a saint, because not only did he kill all the snakes, but he also got rid of all them spuds what was lying about going rotten.

Just a few years ago we never had any of them, but now they're everywhere. Muslims - they're like shit in a field. Seems you can't go anywhere these days without tripping over or bumping into some black-clad monstrosity pushing a pram up the street with a moustachio'd baby in it. But how much, or indeed how little, do we actually know about Muslims? Well, here are a few things you might have known.

1. Muslims were invented back in the 6th century AD when a Christian man called Mohammad al Mohammad Muhammed decided he wanted a religion of his own. So he invented some god called Allah and started shoving his garbage down other people's throats. These other people, mainly Pakis and other wogs, bought this bollocks of his and we've been in the shit ever fucking since.

2. Muslims follow their religion, which is called Islam. The word "Islam" comes from two Arabic words meaning "bull" and "shit".

3. All Muslims must follow a strict dress code. Women must wear full head-to-toe black dresses with just a little slit for their eyes. Men must also follow this strict code, as laid down in their holy teachings; they must wear the latest Adidas trainers, Nike tracksuit bottoms, Ralph Lauren sunglasses, Henleys T-shirts, Burberry baseball caps and carry either the latest Blackberry or iPhone. Cunts.

4. Under Islamic law, Muslim men can shag as many women as possible. Women are also allowed to do this; however, they must be prepared to be flogged publicly or hanged from a lamp post in the market square.

5. You must never ask a Muslim child the question "What do you want to do when you grow up?" This is because he will think you have asked "What do you want to do when you blow up?" To which the answer will probably be: "Destroy the infidel Western world and splatter the front of Marks & Spencer's with my intestines."

6. You can fit as many as 47 fully-grown Muslims into the average 6-seater people carrier.

7. As laid down in Muslim law, each Muslim must visit Mecca at least once in their lifetime. This is because they have to. Nobody knows why; they just have to. If you ask a Muslim why he must go to visit Mecca once in his lifetime, he will tell you that he doesn't bloody know.

8. I once knew a dyslexic Muslim who went to visit Macca, the home of former Beatle and one-legged woman-fancier Paul McCartney. The thick cunt.

9. Every year Muslims must adhere to the strict regime called Ramadamn. This is when they can't eat food for a period of forty days and forty nights. For almost six weeks they are not allowed to eat or drink anything at all. Nothing. So what they do is save all the food during that period and try to sell it off to us well past its sell-by date in their poxy grotty little backstreet fucking corner shops in Bury and bastard Blackburn. Oh, and that one in Skelmersdale where you get stabbed to fuck when you try and rob it.

10. Muslim women are not allowed to cut or trim their pubes. This is why you never see Muslim or Paki women in porn films or twat books - because they have great big hairy baffers that look like a fucking heron's nest.

11. The Muslim holy book - a bit like our Bible - is called the Qu'ran or Koran. In there is all the shite what Mohammad, their prophet, wrote when he invented Islam. So it doesn't mean fuck all, really.

12. Muslims are only allowed to eat meat which is called Halal. Halal means that the meat has to be freshly-killed. So the dirty barbarian bastards have to hang the poor animals upside down and slit their throats so they bleed to death slowly and painfully. Nobody knows why, but research suggests that they are twisted bastards who get some kind of perverted kick out of it all.

13. Fucking dirty sweaty Paki cunts.

14. Traditionally, Muslims do not like Jews. I mean, God knows we all hate the bastards, but the Muslims really hate them. And I mean REALLY hate them. It's probably got something to do with the fact that Jews are an even bigger shower of money-grabbing fuckers than they are.

15. Muslims, like us Christians, have their own Ten Commandments. They are as follows: 1. Thou shallt work in a petrol station. 2. Thou shallt drive a Nissan Almera. 3. With a dent in the driver's side door. 4. Thou shallt blow aeroplanes up. 5. Thou shallt not have a bath. 6. Whether male or female, thine children shallt have moustaches. 7. Thou shallt know everything about unlocking SIM cards. 8. Thou shallt beat up thine wife. 9. Thou shallt smell of curry. 10. Thou shallt, one day soon, fuck off back whence thou didst cometh from in the first fucking place, you black twat.

16. Muslim churches are called Mosques. You can see them all over the place, sprouting up in towns everywhere, whilst our churches are closing down and being reopened so the fuckers can flog knock-off jeans on a Sunday morning.

17. Muslims must pray every hour, and in doing so they must face Mecca. They go to the Mosque every hour, on the hour, and all line up on their knees. Then they bend over and fart in each other's faces for half an hour and jabber on in some fucking daft language.

18. Famous Muslims include former boxer and MFI wardrobe lookalike Muhammad Ali, musician Cat Stevens, actor Harrison Ford, infamous murdering black bastard Osama Bin Laden, him off 'Coronation Street', DJ Chris Evans and lots of nigger basketball players.

19. Paki bastards.

20. Muslims don't like people taking the piss out of their religion. Even if you think they're a bunch of fucking nutters, you must never say so, because they get very upset. It's okay to slag off any other religion in the world, but not the bastard Muslims. Touchy as fuck, they are. For example, you must never say that Muslims are a bunch of wife-beating, bomb-planting, suicide-bombing, anal-retentive retards who are stuck in the dark ages, otherwise you might upset them and they won't be your friends.

We've all heard of them; some people have seen them; others say they are in contact with them. Ghosts. They are one of the most mysterious mysteries of the universe, and even beyond. But how much do we actually know about them, what they are and why they appear (if indeed they do), and what might be their cause? In the meantime, here are a few things you might not of knew about them - ghosts.

1. The first ever recorded incident of a ghost was mentioned in the Bible. This ghost was called the Holy Ghost and was created by Jesus to frighten the disciples at the Last Supper. All of them was scared of the Holy Ghost apart from one - Doubting Thomas, who remained unconvinced by the sight of a white dove hovering over the table pretending to be a ghost. But it was a ghost, and a Holy one at that. So Doubting Thomas can go and get fucked.

2. One of the most famousest ghosts is the Loch Ness Monster, which is believed to be the spirit of a dinosaur what haunts the depths of Loch Ness in the Scottish Highlands. However, despite thousands of attempts to film and catch this ghost with specialised cameras and shit, no trace of it has so far been found. So it's probably little more than a cunning ploy by the Scots to grab money from Japanese and American tourists.

3. Because them daft cunts will believe anything.

4. One of the most commonly-held beliefs about ghosts is that they can walk through walls. But this is stupid because, let's be honest, why would they bother? If you was a ghost you'd float rather than walk, because you could.

5. Recent exhaustive research has shown that the ten most common types of ghost are as follows: cavaliers; headless horsemen; phantom hitch-hikers; nuns; children dressed in Victorian clothes; monks in long hooded gowns; Red Indians; witches on broomsticks; shapeless things that look like white sheets; and Bernard Cribbins.

6. Despite the fact that Bernard Cribbins isn't actually dead yet, his spirit has been seen in more places than most traditional ghosts - such as cinemas, shopping precincts, the A40 near Oxford, the White Lion pub in Cardiff, and in an old woman's wardrobe what knows my mum.

7. It is estimated that as many as 2,000 people see a ghost each day, and yet no-one ever manages to get a decent picture of one on all them fucking mobile phones that people carry around everywhere.

8. Funny, that.

9. The best place to talk to a ghost is at a seance. Seances are held in dark rooms by people with nothing better to do, where they sit around a table and use a wee-gee board to contact dead people. All you have to do to contact a ghost is say "Is there anybody there?" and sure enough a ghost will magically appear.

10. Ghosts are indeed ths spirits of dead people, though some ghosts aren't. Some of these living ghosts are called "doppelgangers" which means "double ghosts" in German or something like that. A doppelganger is believed to be the identical spirit of a living person what looks exactly the same. So the doppelganger of, say, Simon Cowell would look exactly the same as the man himself, whereas the doppelganger of Noel Edmonds would look just like a steaming great pile of shit. It is believed that if you see your doppelganger it means that you are about to die very soon. Personally, I can't wait for Mick fucking Hucknall off Simply Red to catch sight of his strolling into Morrisons.

11. Another kind of ghost is a "poltergeist". Rather than appearing, like most other ghosts, a "poltergeist" just makes lots of noise and throws things around rooms. Like table lamps and stuff like that. "Poltergeists" (German for "Noisy bastards") are particularly keen on teenagers and will force their way into teenagers' bodies and make them do things which are beyond their control.

12. A bit like Gary Glitter.

13. Ghosts live in special places called haunted houses, though they have been known to occupy other places such as: pubs, ships, bleak country moors, graveyards, motorways and even, so I'm told, the public toilets behind Aldi in Stockport.

14. You don't see many nigger ghosts. Have you noticed that?

15. It is believed that, before a dead person can become a ghost, they have to approach God and ask for His permission. Dead people have to first prove that they have been dead for two years, then prove to God that they would be really good at haunting and putting the shits up people on earth. Among the famous dead people whose applications to become ghosts have been turned down are: Elvis Presley, James Dean, Christopher Reeve, Sir Isaac Newton and Bernard Cribbins.

16. Animals are good at seeing ghosts what people can't see. Dogs in particular are really good at seeing spirits, spooks and all manner of weird and bizarre manifestations of the afterlife. So next time your dog barks for no apparent reason you shouldn't be alarmed; it's probably just one of your ancestors rattling chains or the departed soul of Gene Pitney walking through the pantry wall.

17. Some ghosts occur when a person dies and the ghosty bits all float off from the body. These ghosty bits are made of Electroplasm, a kind of fluffy mist that people carry around inside them all their life. When they die it all floats off and forms itself into a ghost-like shape. Or into a cavalier or a nun or a headless horseman.

18. Another famous ghost was when the ghost of God appeared mysteriously on a sheet called the Shroud of Turin, the very shroud in which what Jesus was supposed to of been buried in after he died. The Shroud, kept secret and hidden away by the Vatican in Paris, clearly shows the outline of God's ghost as it would of appeared if it had looked like Jesus. But not His dick and balls, though.

19. A person who goes looking for ghosts is called a ghosthunter or, to give them their proper title, a "para-abnormal investigator". As well as devoting their entire lives to looking for ghosts, they also go looking for flying sauces, big black cats, aliens, people bending spoons and other para-abnormal stuff in which only they are interested. Despite never having a fucking hope of ever finding a ghost, they still go looking for them, often spending long nights sitting with tape recorders and video equipment in the vain hope of one day capturing the image of a fucking cavalier ponsing about an old stately home carrying his own head, or some shapeless mass of gunk floating down a bastard staircase.

20. The best song ever about a ghost is "There's A Ghost In My House" by R.Dean Taylor, although "Ghosts" by Japan was quite good. Another one was "Ghostbusters" by that bloke, some coon whose name I can't remember. That was off that film. Another good song was called "Right Said Fred" by Bernard Cribbins. It wasn't about a ghost but I liked it.

Not the brightest bunch but good for a chuckle. Who needs to advertise with affiliates like the girls on TLW :)

Dunk knows best...

"They lash out at you simply because they can not have what you have or do what you are trying to do, and in an effort to sooth their own self-loathing and make themselves feel better about their own pathetic existence, they derive some sort of perverted satisfaction in attempting to make you look bad," - Steve Didier